An Illustrated Guide to Failing a Juice Fast

I finally attempted that juice cleanse yesterday, and although you can probably tell how that went from the title of this post, I’m feeling sort of light and tight and perky this morning. So even if I’ve proven once again that I’m really quite pathetic, I’m convinced the cleanse did me some good.

If you’re interested in trying it out for yourself, here’s a rundown of my day yesterday. (I decided to do just one day instead of two when I found out from my friends that I’d have to abstain from caffeine and nicotine as well as food. Horrors.)

So here goes. At the very least you should pick up a few pointers on what NOT to do. :)

8:00 a.m. - For some reason I woke up exactly at the time I was supposed to start my cleanse. It’s like my body was all “Whee! Time to start depriving me of all the fun stuff!" — which just makes no sense whatsoever. Crazy body. And so it began.

The first dose was surprisingly good. I mean it looked like liquefied moss, but it was actually sweet and refreshing. I also liked that I was allowed to have a cup of coffee — except you can only sweeten it with Stevia, and Stevia sucks.

So umm, I didn’t use Stevia. Hey, what’s a little Splenda between friends? I know, I know. I’d just started and I sucked at this already. Whatever. Stevia is vile.

9:00 a.m. - After an hour or so, my eyes and face were feeling kind of warm and feverish. And I caved on the no-smoking thing. Because COME ON... There’s only so much torture you can subject yourself to in a day.

Excuses, excuses. 

I looked at the instructions again for fine print that might allow me to have another cup of coffee — and instead found a footnote on detox activities for the day.

I assumed these were suggestions rather than commands, and so immediately ignored the exercise thing. Because COME ON…

Seriously, what kind of craziness is that?? So I scheduled a massage, and then got ready for a dry brush — until I realized I had no idea what dry brushing was. So I found out. And before I knew it, it was…

10:00 a.m. - I was a bit worried about this dose because it involved mixing a packet of psyllium fiber with a bottle of chili lemonade. And I really don’t see how any combination of chili and fiber can possibly end well. 

But it was fine. Spicy and tart, and a little weird. But fine. Your mouth doesn’t go all "OMG ROARRR! I’M ON LEMON-FLAVORED FIRE!!!" but there’s definitely a kick. 

Not even an hour later:  Houston, we have a problem…

I have to say this pissed me off quite a bit because I’m usually not even hungry in the morning on regular days. SO WHY TODAY??? I resisted the roar in my stomach and drank lots of water instead. And had another cigarette. I know, I know. Whatever. 

12:00 noon - Oh thank God. Finally. SOUP TIME!

I chose this cleanse over the others because it included soup as well as juice. And man, I was on that soup like a vulture on a fresh desert carcass — even if it ended up tasting of… nothing. FML. It was hot and hearty though — and it did smell pretty good… kind of like bean soup.. which made me ache for a burrito… which just made things worse. I repeat - FML. :( 

In addition to this, that warm, feverish feeling had spread throughout my body so I was all “Is this a HOT FLASH? I’d better not be menopausing!

I was so stressed out about possible early-onset menopause and SO SAD about the nothing-soup and the imaginary burrito that OMG… I ACCIDENTALLY made myself another cup of coffee instead of the prescribed herbal tea. 

2:00 p.m. - Since coffee (illegal or otherwise) really has no effect on me, I was pretty sleepy by the time I had to take the next juice dose (the Kidney Cleanse). 

So I just downed this one, which again looked like a blended lawn or something but didn’t taste bad at all — surprisingly sweet but with a bit of an earthier taste, and a little chunkier than the first two.

But after half an hour, I realized two things: (1) I’d lost my sleepiness; and (2) I was once again hungry like a wolf. I tried to just read and not think about it, but really, it was so bad I was entertaining thoughts of gnawing on my husband’s arm.

So to save him from an impending cannibal attack I simply HAD to eat SOMETHING. I decided on a relatively safe-seeming can of low-sodium minestrone — which by the way also tasted of NOTHING. 

 

I only had about half a cup… because really, Progresso, that soup of yours sucked. And hey, it could’ve been a burger. So even if I went off-script on the whole fasting thing, I consider the non-burger-binge a victory. So I umm…celebrated that with a banana.

By 4:00 p.m., after a little power snooze, I wasn’t too averse to my next dose - the Liver Detox Smoothie - even if it was a little less sweet (and slightly thicker) than the others. 

And then my masahista flaked on me (bah, she had no clue what a lymphatic massage was anyway) so I decided to go back to sleep so I wouldn’t have to eat anyone…er, anything.

I woke up for a while to guzzle the 6:00 p.m. dose…

.. which tasted exactly the way it sounds. I think this one was the thickest. Again not bad, but at this point I kind of felt like if I threw up I’d probably barf a ready-made vegetable garden.

And I was feeling really juiced out so I had to force myself to have the last one at 8:00 p.m. - especially since it was suspiciously called the “Grasshopper.” Hey. Grasshoppers are green. So was the juice. This was worrisome to me.

But the Grasshopper was actually good - light and refreshing like the 8am Energy Blast - so I was all "YAY! I’m DONE!" And all my little cheats considered I thought I didn’t do too badly…

And then THIS happened.

I TOLD YOU MY HUSBAND WAS EVIL!!!!

So okay FINE, I had a slice - with a side dish of self-loathing - and that was it.

FAIL! 

But as I mentioned earlier, all the cheats notwithstanding, I still feel pretty great today, so I’m happy I tried it.  Maybe I’ll do better next time. :)


If you’d like to attempt the juice cleanse yourself, you can order it from Nadine Tengco at (02) 380-4413 or (0917) 584-1719. The one-day cleanse costs PhP 2,000, and includes 6 bottles of juice, a serving of soup, a packet of Psyllium fiber and a chewable papaya enzyme tablet. 

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