I’m a bit of a hair ho (i.e., I’ll try almost anything with my hair) so I live in constant terror that my hair will one day get tired of all the abuse and just abandon me.
This is why every other day or so, my husband has to go through this “soapy opera” scene where I rush out of the bathroom in a panic, clutching strands of fallen hair and dramatically proclaiming that I’m balding.
Oh yeah… let’s not forget that there are quite a few hair-challenged people on my Mom’s side of the family…
So I worry. I do. I think I’ve bought every brand of hair-fall shampoo available.
Then I read this article about going ‘Poo-Free … and I was fascinated. And kind of repulsed.
Okay, fine. I admit the article first drew me because when I read “Poo-free” I thought the writer meant actual poo — so I wasn’t really as repulsed as I originally expected to be.
So I read up on it even more. According to SimpleMom (aka Mrs. Poo-Free, in my head) shampoo is a harsh, evil detergent, chock-full of chemicals which poison our bodies. AHA! Also, it’s much more expensive than her poo-free alternative… baking soda and vinegar.
And as gunky and gross as the concept sounds, I have to say I got a little curious.
Like I said… HAIR HO.
So I went off to the kitchen and grabbed my ingredients… and then suddenly alarm bells started going off in my head!!!
Isn’t baking soda supposed to make baked goods RISE?
And don’t I live in a superhot country that pretty much resembles an OVEN???
It may be all fine and dandy for Americans and other cool-climate citizens to go poo-free, but if I do it in the PHILIPPINES, who’s to say I won’t end up looking like this???
And let’s not forget about all the potential problems with the vinegar…
Okay but wait… maybe the baking soda doubles as a deodorizer? Is that how this dynamic duo works??
OMG I’m so CONFUSED!!
I’m losing more hair just thinking about it. So if you have any input, I’d greatly appreciate it.
In the meantime, I think I’ll have a snack. I’m seriously craving cupcakes and chicharon right now.
When I was about 10, I cut my own hair. I imagine I’m not the only young moron who has ever done this.
I knew I wasn’t supposed to play with scissors, much less use them to mangle my mane, but hey… I was 10 - and I was curious about bangs.
The bangs actually looked okay… but I belatedly realized that once my Mom laid eyes on my new ‘do, she’d immediately know that I had disobeyed her.
So I set about trying to hide the evidence…. by cutting the bangs completely OFF, all the way to my scalp.
Yeah, not my finest moment.
Needless to say my mom was FURIOUS, and I had to go around with a headband to cover my bald spot for almost a year.
You’d think that incident would have been enough to keep me away from scissors forever —- but unfortunately for my friend Willy, it wasn’t.
Now I know that women of character are supposed to take responsibility for their own idiocy, but I must lay partial blame for what is known as “The Marlene Incident” on a boy named Manu.
I honestly have no idea why I was such a LIAR when I was a teenager, but I somehow convinced Manu that I could cut hair.
Manu not only believed me —- he was actually happy with the results. In fact he came over to my house for a haircut a couple more times after.
He should never have boosted my confidence like that.
Having obtained some haircutting experience (and a happy customer!) I was now convinced I could make a living out of it.
Who needed stupid things like training or education? I was like some sort of snipping savant!
So when one afternoon Willy mentioned he needed a haircut, I thought I’d do a good friend a solid by offering my services for free.
Willy was hesitant at first, but my manager/staunch supporter Chary backed my claims. (Okay I remember now why I was such a liar… I was hanging out with Chary. She also told Willy we knew how to cure ham.)
So let’s blame CHARY too, shall we?
About ten minutes into the haircut, it became alarmingly clear that this endeavor was not going well. His hair wasn’t behaving like Manu’s!!! Why, with every snip I took, did it look more and more like a sculpture of the Banaue Rice Terraces??
I REALLY tried to fix it, I swear, but there was just nothing I could do! And Chary was getting really worried that I would cut off his ear, so she and my other friend Ann tried to help out with a few supportive snips but I eventually had to admit defeat and face the music.. or um, yelling.
I don’t really remember Willy’s initial reaction upon seeing himself in the mirror —- I think I may have blocked it due to the trauma —- but it had to have been something like this…
Let’s all say it again… poor Willy.
Thankfully, Willy was (and still is) a really good Christian - so he did forgive me. In fact, when he was rushed in an emergency vehicle to the nearest parlor, he even covered for me. When asked who had committed the horrific hair atrocity, he said that it was a girl named “Marlene.”
And that is why I was teasingly referred to as “Marlene” for a few years… and why I think good old Willard is a prince among men… and why I will never, ever cut anyone’s hair again.
The end. :)