I got this reader request from my friend Jackie about two weeks ago, but only got around to answering it now — partly because I hadn’t watched Breaking Dawn 1 yet, and mostly because I’m not much of a Twilight fan.

But hey, you know I love my reader requests, and Jackie’s one of my favorite friends on Twitter, so okay fine. I put it on my blog list. And I watched Breaking Dawn 1 to get up to speed — after which I was sorely tempted to gouge my eyes out with a fork. 

OMGWTH. That movie was so bad, I don’t even have words to describe it. Just… GAH. And violent fork-waving.

Naturally, after this excruciating experience I was more than a bit reluctant to watch the second part, but I did it anyway last night and surprise, surprise! I actually enjoyed it!

I think the reason I was able to do that was that I managed my expectations. Because really, if you keep a few things in mind, and expect that they will bug the hell out of you, then the rest of the movie’s not so bad.

To be honest, there are a lot of things you’ll have to get over in order to move on and enjoy the flick, but I think that if you can accept these 3, you’ll be okay.

1. Kristen Stewart cannot act. 

Honestly, that poor girl has one facial expression. That’s the limit of her repertoire. It’s like she’s dead inside - for real, and not just because she plays a vampire.

If you let the fact that she is basically a fleshy robot bother you, you’ll just be yowling all throughout the movie, so just accept it, maybe poke a little fun, and move on.

2. Renesmee is just the worst name ever invented in the history of mankind.

Really, calling a child Renesmee is just plain mean. Like she doesn’t have enough problems, being all reverse-Benjamin-Button and mistaken for an immortal child and everything. Not to mention emo parents. But whatevs. She lost the name lottery. Deal with it.

After hearing that horrible name the first 10 times, you really don’t cringe as much anymore. And when you find out she’ll be a fully grown female by the age of 7, you forget the name anyway and start worrying about other things.

Which leads me to…

3. It’s not considered cradle-snatching if you’re not human.

I was cracking up when Bella was (trying valiantly to act like she was) freaking out about Jacob imprinting on “Nessie” - because I was like “Bitch please.. your husband’s a hundred years old. Just STFU.”

Admittedly, the whole Jacob-Renesmee romance is just EWW. Really. It doesn’t matter that she’ll look full grown when she’s 7. SHE’LL STILL BE ONLY 7 INSIDE. So YUCK. Stick your tongue back in your mouth, wolfie. 

But when you read as many paranormal young adult novels as I do, you get kind of indifferent to all these creepy age disparities. Geez, every 16 year-old’s dating some creature who was alive in World War I or something these days, so yawn. Jacob and Renesmee’s 18-year gap is nothing, really, in comparison. Just ignore.

So there you go.  If you can get past these 3 things, and you haven’t seen the movie yet, go right ahead and watch. There are some pretty good fighting scenes and a bunch of new, international vampires with superpowers that may distract you, so that might help. :)

Have a great week, everyone!

I’m really bothered by the news that a high school valedictorian from Oklahoma is being denied her diploma because she said the word “hell” in her valedictory speech. 

What on earth is up with that?? I studied in a very strict Catholic high school, so I feel your pain, my little co-victim of oppression.

Gah. The memories. So you give ‘em hell, Kaitlin Nootbar. Yeah, I said it. HELL! 

To be honest though I think I’m even more bothered that Kaitlin’s graduation speech was inspired by the Twilight Saga. Because given this disturbing intel, I’m now actually surprised the H-word was the strongest expletive uttered in that little grad shindig.

Twilight?? Really?? I’m a pretty imaginative writer, but even I’m stumped as to how to turn Bella and the boys’ emo-fest into an inspiring address.  

So I’m thinking Kaitlin’s best subject must have been Creative Writing. What do you think?

Well, WHATEVER. Just give the poor kid her diploma, PRAGUE HIGH SCHOOL. A diploma symbolizes a child’s achievements over years of education — don’t hold it for ransom over a half-second slip-up.

BAH! Bella Swan would so sic her supernatural pals on you if she found out about this. 

I’m looking forward to watching Snow White & the Huntsman — mostly for the Huntsman (who cares about Snow White?). But I have to admit I’m a little hesitant, because I’m not sure I can see Bella and Thor in different roles and not keep mixing their characters up.  

Here’s how I keep imagining it.

I read Deadlocked (the latest Sookie Stackhouse book) yesterday while down with a fever (not fun, generating EXTRA heat in the midst of summer, btw). 

All I can say is… FAIL!!! NOT ENOUGH ERIC! FAIL!

Because we all know that the best thing about the SS series or True Blood is Eric Northman. In fact, if I had my way, I’d just rename the books AND the TV series to:

Because really.. who gives a flying fu.. err.. fairy feather about Sookie? 

Useless!  

Now Eric on the other hand…

*swoon* True that, Eric..

Although Deadlocked is about solving the mystery of the girl who died on Eric’s lawn (among other things) — Eric is present in only about 20% of the book, which was a bit disappointing. Plus, the few times he does show up, he exhibits nothing of the awesomeness we’ve come to love and expect. (Well he did FLY once, but it was away from an argument - which is pretty lame.)

So I guess I’ll have to wait for June and the new season of True Blood to get my “Incredible Eric” fix. I can only hope that Alan Ball does not let me down the way Charlaine Harris did —-even if he does end up inventing ridonkulous story lines that have nothing whatsoever to do with the books. I’ll take my Eric fix however I can get it.

Having said that though, forgive me for sounding like an old fogie (ah crap… BBD attacks again. I AM an old fogie) when I say that I’m a little disturbed by the upsurge of vampire, werewolf and other supernatural heroes in recent years.

I mean, just look at all the fan furor over Twilight. Seriously? We had the world divided into teams over THIS???

Honestly, teens, tweens and uh ok, me…. Vampires are DEAD PEOPLE. Werewolves are SLOBBERY ANIMALS. So not sexy. And when you are in trouble, they will not swoop in out of nowhere to save you. 

It was bad enough when romance novels in the pre-Vampiremania days gave girls unrealistic expectations.

It’s MUCH worse now. 

So I worry. I really do. 

Good luck, single guys.